Russian Fried Rice

Unedited epic recipe by Tim:

Introduction
I learned how to make The Fried Rice in Russia. In Russia there were often many different disjoint foods available, and a way to unify them was needed. The good thing about The Fried Rice is that you can take pretty much all the food that you have in your fridge and put it in. There are five categories of ingredients in The Fried Rice.

Ingredients

A. Meaty things:

Chicken (my favorite)
Pork (Trafe! Do not serve to 'dem Jewz)
Beef (ground)
Shrimp (but I've never done shrimp)

B. Vegetable Things:

Peppers (put different colors - red and yellow so the food looks
festive, and is not simply the shitty brown color. Also, they make it a bit sweet.)
Mushrooms
Onions
Bean Sprouts
Pea pod thingies

C. Ricey Things:

Rice (key)

D. Eggy Things:

Eggs

E. Spices, Etc.

Soy Sauce (Very important. Do not omit)
Paprika (This makes it sweet. Do not be stingy with it)
Parsley
Garlic Salt

Picking the Ingredients
You should pick at most one thing from the Meaty category (that's zero or one), and a couple of things from the Veggy category. The rice is pretty much a must (can't make The Fried Rice without rice). Eggs are optional, but I heartily recommend them. Soy sauce and Paprika are mandatory as well.

Selecting Cookware
In order to cook The Fried Rice you must have one really big pan, and one smaller pan, and a rice cooker (or a microwave).

Step 1: The Rice

The most important thing in the cooking of The Fried Rice is the order of the addition of the various ingredients. The Eggs and the Rice have to be prepared first (before you dump them in with all the other food). Cook the rice, but make sure it is moist when you are done. (Don't overcook it, see)

If you have no rice cooker - you can use a microwave - 13 minutes for one cup, 18 minutes for two. Also, don't buy the shitty rice, OK? Bonnie goes to the store - she buys shit, but I get the good stuff, because when I eat it - I want to taste it. Buy bASSmati rice. Anyway, to cook the rice you put it in a pot and put some water there so that there is one inch of water on top of the rice and then you cook it until the water is all inside the moist, hot mass of rice. After that immediately put it in the fridge if you have time until The Fried Rice is to be served. If you are cramming - put it in the freezer. I don't know why this must be done, but I, for one, never trifle with tradition.

Step 2: the Eggs (can be done concurrently with some other steps)

The eggs must be scrambled into little bitty balls of egg matter until they begin to brown. This is what the small auxiliary pan is for.

Step 3: Initial Veggies

Now the real cooking of The Fried Rice begins. Always start with the onions and the mushrooms. You can put a dash of soy sauce or olive oil in with the onions. Once the onions begin to release the onion juice into the hot pan - add the mushrooms. Sauté them (cover w/lid, stir occasionally) until the onions begin to brown.

Step 4: Meaty Item

Add your meaty item, having diced it. Actually, pretty much everything you put in there should be diced (notable exceptions include, but are not limited to: the rice, ground beef, string beans, peapod thingies, soy sauce (never try to dice the soy sauce, you'll most likely hurt yourself).

Anyhow, you put in the meaty item, and cook it with the shrooms and the ions until it is done. (Cook until done, duh!). No, seriously, you just try it and make sure it is edible. But be careful - if you start trying it too early - you get salmonella or trichinosis or something, so don't try it too early. Also avoid eating it raw while you are dicing it (the meat, I mean) - I never can, but then again I was raised in a hungry land.

Step 5: Final Veggies and Egg Addition

Once the meaty thing is done (or close to it) - put in the peppers (diced, of course). Also put in the other veggies now. Cook them on low heat. Then add the rice. Stir it up so it is a homogeneous mix (more or less). Then add the scrambled egg. Stir. All on low heat.

Step 6: Spices (very delicate and important part of the operation)

Now comes the most important part - the spices. Put soy sauce on it until it turns that ugly brown color that fried rice is supposed to be. There are some apocryphal schools of thought on this matter, the adherents of which believe that Teriyaki sauce is preferable to the Soy. But I, personally, would sooner burn them alive as heretics than cook that way. Also, you have to be careful not to overdo the Soy Sauce - it can kill a lot of the taste. If you are putting parsley and garlic salt - don't put too much. Paprika is really important though - put a lot. Taste. Make sure the rice tastes a little sweet. Put more. Taste. Repeat until done. Cover with lid and simmer on low heat for a few minutes. Serve.

Rough Dosage
For a couple of pounds of meaty thing make 1.5 cups of rice, two peppers, a fatty onion, 2 - 3 eggs, and a box of shrooms. Makes a shload of food, but that's OK - 'cause it is good as leftovers.

-Tim Lifschitz