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Russian Fried Chicken

Unedited epic recipe by Tim:

The Fried Chicken is a lot easier to make then The Fried Rice. You will need:

In the Way of Ingredients:
Boneless chicken breasts (at least two)
Salt and Pepper
Egg
Flour
Vegetable Cooking Oil (olive or otherwise)

In the Way of Cookware:
A large wooden mallet
Two deep plates
A pan of frying

Step 1: The Tenderization Process

The first part of preparing The Fried Chicken is the Tenderization Process. It is a very important step in the generation of the tenderest and juiciest of all fried chickens. It is also a good way to get out your aggression when there are no partners available for Halflife. The Tenderization Process consists of taking each of the boneless chicken breasts in turn, placing them on a wooden cutting board, and repeatedly pounding the shit out of them with the large wooden mallet until you feel satisfied. At the end of this process the chicken breast should look a little flayed, but should not be completely flattened. After the Tenderization Process has been completed you should take the now useless pieces of chicken, throw them away, and fondly look back on all the good time you just had. Wash your hands. OK, I'm kidding about that, the chicken can still be used. But you should always wash your hands before cooking, especially before (and during) the cooking of The Fried Chicken.

Step 2: Salting and Pepperization

Take some salt and some pepper and rub them between your knees. No. Into the chicken. The chicken should be very receptive to the salting and pepperization following the completion of the Tenderization Process. That is because the structural integrity of the external covering of the chicken has been subtly violated by the large wooden mallet, thereby making it easier for the salt and pepper to be stuck among the tiny strips of flayed chicken flesh. Obviously the amount of salt and pepper used should not exceed the amount necessary for achieving the desired level of spiciness of The Fried Chicken.

NOTE: The following steps need to be repeated for each piece of chicken breast.

Step 3: Flour, Egg, Flour
Step three is actually entirely self-explanatory, but I am going to see if I can go on about it for a paragraph or two. Take the two deep plates (the need for which has been foreseen above), and fill one of them with flour, and the other with raw egg. The egg should be stirred in a glass (or the deep plate itself, if a glass is lacking) with a knife or fork, until it too is a homogenous mass. Note that you may add salt and pepper to the egg as well. Now, place a piece of flensed chicken breast into the flour on each side. The flour will stick to the violated chicken flesh just like the salt and pepper did in the previous step. Following that dip each side of the chicken breast into the egg (which will stick to the flour). And, finally, into the flour again (which will, this time, stick to the egg). Note how dirty this causes your hands to become.

Step 4: The Frying
Put breasts on frying pan, cook in oil until done. Don't turn the burner on too hot (you don't want to be boiling the chicken in the grease!). If need be - check The Frying Chicken for doneness by cutting a breast with a knife. If it is completely white - it is done and is safe to consume. Note that you should stab the breast of only The Fried Chicken with a knife. Repeat steps 3 and 4 for each chicken breast until done.

NOTE: The egg and flour supplies in the two deep plates may need to be replenished one or more times part way through the cooking process.

-Tim Lifschitz