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Russian
Fried Rice |
Unedited epic recipe by Tim:
Introduction
I learned how to make The Fried Rice in Russia. In Russia there
were often many different disjoint foods available, and a way to
unify them was needed. The good thing about The Fried Rice is that
you can take pretty much all the food that you have in your fridge
and put it in. There are five categories of ingredients in The Fried
Rice.
Ingredients
A. Meaty things:
Chicken (my favorite)
Pork (Trafe! Do not serve to 'dem Jewz)
Beef (ground)
Shrimp (but I've never done shrimp)
B. Vegetable Things:
Peppers (put different colors - red and yellow so the food looks
festive, and is not simply the shitty brown color. Also, they make
it a bit sweet.)
Mushrooms
Onions
Bean Sprouts
Peapod thingies
C. Ricey Things:
Rice (key)
D. Eggy Things:
Eggs
E. Spices, Etc.
Soy Sauce (Very important. Do not omit)
Paprika (This makes it sweet. Do not be stingy with it)
Parsley
Garlic Salt
Picking the Ingredients
You should pick at most one thing from the Meaty category (that's
zero or one), and a couple of things from the Veggy category. The
rice is pretty much a must (can't make The Fried Rice without rice).
Eggs are optional, but I heartily recommend them. Soy sauce and
Paprika are mandatory as well.
Selecting Cookware
In order to cook The Fried Rice you must have one really big pan,
and one smaller pan, and a rice cooker (or a microwave).
Step 1: The Rice
The most important thing in the cooking of The Fried Rice is the
order of the addition of the various ingredients. The Eggs and the
Rice have to be prepared first (before you dump them in with all
the other food). Cook the rice, but make sure it is moist when you
are done. (Don't overcook it, see)
If you have no rice cooker - you can use a microwave - 13 minutes
for one cup, 18 minutes for two. Also, don't buy the shitty rice,
OK? Bonnie goes to the store - she buys shit, but I get the good
stuff, because when I eat it - I want to taste it. Buy bASSmati
rice. Anyway, to cook the rice you put it in a pot and put some
water there so that there is one inch of water on top of the rice
and then you cook it until the water is all inside the moist, hot
mass of rice. After that immediately put it in the fridge if you
have time until The Fried Rice is to be served. If you are cramming
- put it in the freezer. I don't know why this must be done, but
I, for one, never trifle with tradition.
Step 2: the Eggs (can be done concurrently with some other steps)
The eggs must be scrambled into little bitty balls of egg matter
until they begin to brown. This is what the small auxiliary pan
is for.
Step 3: Initial Veggies
Now the real cooking of The Fried Rice begins. Always start with
the onions and the mushrooms. You can put a dash of soy sauce or
olive oil in with the onions. Once the onions begin to release the
onion juice into the hot pan - add the mushrooms. Sauté them
(cover w/lid, stir occasionally) until the onions begin to brown.
Step 4: Meaty Item
Add your meaty item, having diced it. Actually, pretty much everything
you put in there should be diced (notable exceptions include, but
are not limited to: the rice, ground beef, string beans, peapod
thingies, soy sauce (never try to dice the soy sauce, you'll most
likely hurt yourself).
Anyhow, you put in the meaty item, and cook it with the shrooms
and the ions until it is done. (Cook until done, duh!). No, seriously,
you just try it and make sure it is edible. But be careful - if
you start trying it too early - you get salmonella or trichinosis
or something, so don't try it too early. Also avoid eating it raw
while you are dicing it (the meat, I mean) - I never can, but then
again I was raised in a hungry land.
Step 5: Final Veggies and Egg Addition
Once the meaty thing is done (or close to it) - put in the peppers
(diced, of course). Also put in the other veggies now. Cook them
on low heat. Then add the rice. Stir it up so it is a homogeneous
mix (more or less). Then add the scrambled egg. Stir. All on low
heat.
Step 6: Spices (very delicate and important part of the operation)
Now comes the most important part - the spices. Put soy sauce on
it until it turns that ugly brown color that fried rice is supposed
to be. There are some apocryphal schools of thought on this matter,
the adherents of which believe that Teriyaki sauce is preferable
to the Soy. But I, personally, would sooner burn them alive as heretics
than cook that way. Also, you have to be careful not to overdo the
Soy Sauce - it can kill a lot of the taste. If you are putting parsley
and garlic salt - don't put too much. Paprika is really important
though - put a lot. Taste. Make sure the rice tastes a little sweet.
Put more. Taste. Repeat until done. Cover with lid and simmer on
low heat for a few minutes. Serve.
Rough Dosage
For a couple of pounds of meaty thing make 1.5 cups of rice, two
peppers, a fatty onion, 2 - 3 eggs, and a box of shrooms. Makes
a shload of food, but that's OK - 'cause it is good as leftovers.
-Tim Lifschitz
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