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Russian
Fried Chicken |
Unedited epic recipe by Tim:
The Fried Chicken is a lot easier to make then The Fried Rice. You
will need:
In the Way of Ingredients:
Boneless chicken breasts (at least two)
Salt and Pepper
Egg
Flour
Vegetable Cooking Oil (olive or otherwise)
In the Way of Cookware:
A large wooden mallet
Two deep plates
A pan of frying
Step 1: The Tenderization Process
The first part of preparing The Fried Chicken is the Tenderization
Process. It is a very important step in the generation of the tenderest
and juiciest of all fried chickens. It is also a good way to get
out your aggression when there are no partners available for Halflife.
The Tenderization Process consists of taking each of the boneless
chicken breasts in turn, placing them on a wooden cutting board,
and repeatedly
pounding the shit out of them with the large wooden mallet until
you feel satisfied. At the end of this process the chicken breast
should look a little flayed, but should not be completely flattened.
After the Tenderization Process has been completed you should take
the now useless pieces of chicken, throw them away, and fondly look
back on all the good time you just had. Wash your hands. OK, I'm
kidding about that, the chicken can still be used. But you should
always wash your hands before cooking, especially before (and during)
the cooking of The Fried Chicken.
Step 2: Salting and Pepperization
Take some salt and some pepper and rub them between your knees.
No. Into the chicken. The chicken should be very receptive to the
salting and pepperization following the completion of the Tenderization
Process. That is because the structural integrity of the external
covering of the chicken has been subtly violated by the large wooden
mallet, thereby making it easier for the salt and pepper to be stuck
among the tiny strips of flayed chicken flesh. Obviously the amount
of salt and pepper used should not exceed the amount necessary for
achieving the desired level of spiciness of The Fried Chicken.
NOTE: The following steps need to be repeated for each piece of
chicken breast.
Step 3: Flour, Egg, Flour
Step three is actually entirely self-explanatory, but I am going
to see if I can go on about it for a paragraph or two. Take the
two deep plates (the need for which has been foreseen above), and
fill one of them with flour, and the other with raw egg. The egg
should be stirred in a glass (or the deep plate itself, if a glass
is lacking) with a knife or fork, until it too is a homogenous mass.
Note that you may add salt and pepper to the egg as well. Now, place
a piece of flensed chicken breast into the flour on each side. The
flour will stick to the violated chicken flesh just like the salt
and pepper did in the previous step. Following that dip each side
of the chicken breast into the egg (which will stick to the flour).
And, finally, into the flour again (which will, this time, stick
to the egg). Note how dirty this causes your hands to become.
Step 4: The Frying
Put breasts on frying pan, cook in oil until done. Don't turn the
burner on too hot (you don't want to be boiling the chicken in the
grease!). If need be - check The Frying Chicken for doneness by
cutting a breast with a knife. If it is completely white - it is
done and is safe to consume. Note that you should stab the breast
of only The Fried Chicken with a knife.
Repeat steps 3 and 4 for each chicken breast until done.
NOTE: The egg and flour supplies in the two deep plates may need
to be replenished one or more times partway through the cooking
process.
-Tim Lifschitz
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